Ponderings

I blew it. I had the perfect fucking chance and I blew it.

All I did was stay silent and was too scared to speak up.

I suck.

I know it looks like I’m obsessed with this topic but it’s been awhile since my last post.

I miss him. I know I said to myself that I was over him a year or so ago, but I really really miss him.

Comparing him to my most recent ex, he comes out on top in most regards. It’s not like my most recent ex is a total douche, but I think I was just trying to distract myself.

Anyway. It’s too late to make amends now. Or is it? It would be so horribly awkward to apologize now though. Like face to face apology. Not this pansy over messaging shit. He doesn’t admit it, but I hurt at least a tiny part of him. 

God I’m so emotional. I need to let the past go, but honestly, I think he was the one that got away. 

If only we had started dating a few years later…

For some ungodly reason I’ve been thinking about my first real relationship and how it all ended.

Stupid, I know.

But I’ve come to realize something. That guy treated me better than any other guy I’ve liked since him. He cared about me, got me funny little gifts every so often, hell he stuck by my side when all my friends turned against me. Not to say he was perfect. He was short tempered, a bit mean at times, and a little distant. But I could tell he really really liked me. I hate to be that girl who makes excuses but I think that one of the only reasons he broke up with me was because his dad got pretty sick and he couldn’t take the stress of it all and had to cut something out of his life. Of course it didn’t help that I was a clingy little bitch back then. 

I hate to admit it, but I miss him. If I could go back and change one thing, it would be to postpone our relationship until we were both 16. We were both far too immature for a relationship when we started dating. I didn’t know myself back then. I was just mimicking other people. But now, now I know who I am, well somewhat. Now I have the confidence to stand up for myself. 

Every day I walk past his car. Occasionally I see him walking to it or driving around. I want to apologize, face to face, but I feel like it’s too late. The past is the past, it should stay that way.

Yet somehow I still am thinking about him. I guess what they say is true, you never really get over your first love.

Birthdays are supposed to be spent with your friends, aren’t they?

So why is everyone always busy when my birthday comes around? I try to organize a small get together, hell my parents are willing to pay for a small group to go to a theme park. I go to their parties, so why don’t they make the effort to remember and accept my invitations?

But I guess that’s just me being selfish. Most of them didn’t even remember my birthday until they logged onto facebook. But you know, that’s fine with me. I don’t need them. I have my cats, my computer, and myself. Who needs friends who are always busy when you have two companions, a whole internet worth of nice people, and the only person you can count on?

I’m 17 now. It’s time to grow up and leave these delusions of a perfect world behind.

Damn it, my moms friends daughter is really cute. I don’t even know why I’m saying this as I’m straight.

But damn it, she has glasses. I fucking love people with some kind of imperfect vision. It’s an odd fetish.

Fetish just sounds like a dirty word.

I’m rambling now, I should sleep.

Good night.

Crappy weekend. Well not really, but my attitude made it crappy.

I made so many stupid mistakes in Friday’s lax game. At least ten of the goals were my fault. I don’t give a crap about the whole ‘its the teams fault, not just one person’ It’s not true. One person is always at fault. And usually its me. Cause I’m not fast enough, I couldn’t stay a step ahead of the girl, or I’m just generally playing like shit. 

The worse thing is that I haven’t even improved in lacrosse in the last four or so years. Definitely the last two years. And I get so damn jealous of the improvement I see everybody else making. And they don’t seem to put nearly as much effort as I try to put into everything. 

I never give up running, even when I can’t breathe and its taking all my concentration on staying upright and not falling over in a coughing fit. I try not to complain too much, and I’ve been holding in a lot of my frustration with people not knowing how to play. I’ve only seriously yelled at the defense once in Friday’s game. I try to keep a positive attitude for everybody.

But you know, it’s fucking hard to be positive on this team. We suck. It’s a given. We’re probably not going to win any games this season. That’s fine. I can deal with that. What I can’t deal with is girls who don’t fucking listen and keep making the same damn mistakes over and over again. I’m fucking sick of it.

I’m sick of repeating myself. I’m sick of trying to be patient and tell people how to play when they’ve heard it ten times. I’m sick of Natalie telling me that what I know, what she knows I know, is totally wrong and that I should just let the girl with the ball go straight to goal when the defender is beat. I’m sick of not being able to get better at offense cause most people refuse to go down to offense on 3 v 2’s and 4 v 3’s. I’m sick of not being respected even half as much as Fergie or Natalie is. I’m your fucking captain, I know more than you do, at least fucking listen to me. I don’t give a shit if you like me. Respect me just a little bit though, please. I’m trying to fucking help.

And I think the worse part is no matter how much I try, I can’t build stamina. I can’t run for long amounts of time. I can sprint, but I get winded so easily. I’ve tried for years to run longer, but all it’s done is lower my immune system so I get sick more easily. I haven’t been back up to 100% since that fever I had at the beginning of Winter Break. I always have at least a stuffy nose, and now I can’t stop coughing. God damn it I’m so sick of being sick. I’m so sick of being tired. Is it so much to ask to be healthy? 

Speaking of healthy, I’m the worlds worst eater. And you know the weirdest part of it is? The more carbs and ‘bad things’ I eat, the thinner I am. I tried to go a bit more healthy the last few months. I gained almost 20 pounds and my previously loose jeans could barely button. So I reverted back to my horrible diet of sweets and fats and carbs with a sprinkling of protein and guess what? Now I can fit back into my jeans no problem. They’re even a bit loose. I don’t have a big ol’ pot belly anymore (although its still there, just smaller). I’m still pretty portly though. I mean just look at my thighs. But I digress.

It’s hard to stay positive. I know I have things that I should be thankful for. I have enough food, a house, education, ect ect. Yet I still feel depressed-like frequently. It’s so damn frustrating. I have absolutely nothing to be sad about, yet here I am rambling on like a drunken middle aged man who lost everything. 

Honestly, I am probably the only person in the world that I truly despise and hate with all of my heart.

Holy. Balls. 

Superjeenius is incredibly cute. Just look at this picture. http://yfrog.com/h8pmtqvj

I swear that I have an obsession with people with darker hair and imperfect vision. 

Now excuse me while I go and have a fit over here while I talk to myself about how bloody cute this 19 year old is. (Too bad I’m pretty sure he has a girlfriend :P)

Today was odd. Almost everything was familiar and I’ve never had that many bouts of deja vu so close together. Not to mention two of the bouts, I had a dream about it and people said the exact same words that they said in the dream. Usually it’s similar but not the same.

I got my stitches out today too, the scar was quite nasty at first but after showering, it looks a lot better. It’s really interesting how fast wounds heal. Eight days ago I had an oval of skin missing and now it’s closed up and just needs about a week more to disappear.

I haven’t slept in the last three weekends. I’m so bucking tired. Five hours of sleep every night is just not enough. I’m going to collapse someday I just know it. I should probably get to sleep then. I have to get up early tomorrow as well. When will this early rising end?

Ugh. Why does this have to be so hard? I’m hoping the not talking and if I must talk, focusing somewhere else than him is sending some sort of message. I hate to be a mysterious mind game player but I’m too weak to be direct. I admit that I’m trying to manipulate him to give up and break up with me. But I’m not sure it’s working. I just don’t want to break his heart. It’s cruel of me to let things drag out while I’m unhappy though. But I’m just too weak to be confrontational about this. I wish he’d just magically stopped liking me and break up with me. sigh. I’m such a weakling.

—

Heh. Good news is that I finally did something about that ugly mole on my ribcage. Bad news is that Friday I find out if it’s a problem or not. And the closer it gets to that day, the more uneasy I get. I don’t think anythings a problem, as I wasn’t feeling sick before I got it removed. Plus I’ll have a super awesome scar right? Right?

—

I’m sick of school. I just want to graduate already. I want and need to get out of this town. I feel like this place is suffocating. There’s not a lot of people here that I see myself being friends with for the rest of my life. I have more in common with this guy I’ve been talking to on reddit living in Pennsylvania than anyone I’ve ever met here. There’s so much world to see. I need to see at least some of it in my life.

—

I wish the world in my head existed as reality. I think my imaginations running away again though.

Things have been alright lately. Not too bad. I’m moderately happy in my new classes and everything has been okay.

But why do I feel so sad, so worthless, so disgusted with myself? I know I have self esteem issues but I thought I got over that awhile ago. I can’t stop myself from over criticizing myself yet I don’t have the will to change anything. It’s depressing. I’m living on a day to day basis now, barely motivating myself to keep going because someday it will all be better.

I’m starting to wonder if it ever does get better though.